November 29th, the Monday after Thanksgiving 25 years ago. For some reason, this year I didn't want this day to be a big deal. I acknowledged the day my sister died with my mom, but I didn't want to be emotional about it. When a tragedy happens in your life, it affects they way you react to situations, and yesterday was one of those times.
Let me preface the story with this year is a little more difficult for me because I was 7 when Shanna died, and she was 4. My oldest is 7, and my daughter is 4. I can't imagine trying to help a 7 year old cope with death. And I can't imagine loosing my 4 year old.
Yesterday, I made a minor decision that my SweetDoll did not agree with. To which she said, "I wish I didn't hava a mom or dad with stinky rules." Saying things like that just breaks my heart because I don't remember if I had a fight with Shanna the day before, or if I gave her a hug. And today I decided to talk with Heather about saying such things. So I sat her on the stool infront of me and looked her in the eye.
"SweetDoll, you really don't need to say things like that."
"Why?"
"Because if something really bad happened to momma, you would feel bad. And I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want you to get into a habit of talking to people like that."
"Why?"
"I'm going to tell you something and I might cry, but it is ok. I don't remember if I was mean to my sister or if I told her I loved her and then she died and went to live with Jesus. So we need to speak kind words to each other because we don't know what will happen tomorrow."
She knew about Shanna before, so that was not a bombshell for her. Then she asked to see a picture of her. We got out the picture album and looked at pictures. She called my brother, Sweet Boy. "No, that is Uncle J!" Then she asked to see a picture of Shanna when she was big like me. I told her that there weren't any because she died when she was four. She looked at me with that understanding look--that is how old I am. Then she asked if it made me sad to think about Shanna. I told her it did a little, but that is ok. Then she said something very sweet. "Momma, when I get big, I'll be your sister." In many ways, I look forward to the time when we can do things as friends.
Needless to say, I didn't make it through this week without all the emotions! I'm sorry to share the tears, but thanks for letting me remember my sister. The next post will make you laugh. I promise!
3 comments:
We love you whether you're laughing or crying. But thanks for sharing. I think SweetDoll would make a great sister!
Jen, you are my sister-by-heart. I thank God for you still!
Oh, Sweetheart! I share your tears and have thought about you being 7 (this week) and wondered how did you ever cope? I was not a very good help to you at that time... hopefully I helped later as you stuggled with your grief process several years later. I'm so sorry I didn't know to help you then! I know you look forward to having your sweet 4 yr old as your friend... As I count you as a special friend, dtr, and yes sometimes the sister I never had. Bless you special daughter! I love you more than you can know yet! You have always been my friend even as we would go to the mall together in V'burg when you were less than a year old and I even started buying you your own coke at 8 months, because you drank all of mine! :-)
I love you! Mom
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