Sweet Sadie

I just realized after looking at Jen's blog that it has been a month since I posted! I've been writing them in my head, they just aren't making it to the computer. And we have been quite busy. I'll fill you in on some of that next time (mostly because I know it might be a while before I post again and I'd rather that stay up than this). For this one I have to share some sadness. I realize this is probably more for me than anyone, but this is where I am right now.

Last week we had to put our Sweet Sadie to sleep. She had been our dog for almost 12 years. SweetHeart said, "You knew this day would come." To which I replied, "Yes, but I had not planned on her being my dog!" When we got her in January 1997, we knew that SweetHeart would be gone a month in the summer for school and I had to stay home for school, Sadie was going to be my guard dog and companion. And she always was. Nobody came near the house that we didn't know about it! Or her arch enemy...the vacuum cleaner! She always wanted to be where I was. Unless she decided I was moving around too much, then she got in her favorite spot, which much to my dismay was my bed--usually under the covers! But when I did land somewhere, she was always there beside me. When the kids came along, if there wasn't room beside me, she patiently waited until they were asleep and then it was her turn! I have teased that I can handle three kids. It's the dog that pushes me over the edge! Because inevitably I would get everyone settled, and Sadie would need to go out or need food or need in. I am realizing now how much she helped. I never had to sweep under the table because she picked up all the crumbs. This week I have seen how messy we really are! One of our favorite stories is when Sweet Boy was about 2, he was eating a snack in the living room and I was in the other room. He called for Sadie two or three times, and I said, "Honey, Sadie is outside." And he said, "Oh. I'm going to need a napkin then, Mom."

So this week has been sad. I vacuumed for the first time in 12 years without attack dog charging in to save us. The garbage truck came without her watchful eye. I haven't opened the gate to her room or the back door to let her out. She isn't there to say bye to as I walk out the door, or greet us when we get home. I dropped food when I was cooking and didn't hear her scamper into the kitchen when I said "Oops." (She was so well trained!) She is not at my feet as I type this, and tears roll down my cheeks. It has been very wierd because I don't know how to feel or react or how others might react. I know it is not like loosing a child and I would never compare it to that. I've been in a family with that happening, so I want to be so careful what I say. But there is a hole in our family. A being I'm not caring for anymore. A level of protection gone. A missing companion. And I didn't expect to be so heartbroken.

So here is the God-thing of it all. Friday morning before the decision that it would happen that day was made--before I even knew I needed it, a friend called and asked my two little ones to come and play. So they were gone and taken care of. That was such a blessing of friendship and provision that God took care of so I could be there and so I could loose it. You know you just can't cry and loose it with little ones around. It's a God-thing that I know He cares about me and understands my heartache more than anyone and I am safe with Him. And this may be a little bit of a stretch, spiritually speaking, because I know dogs don't really have a will. They don't have a choice to do God's plan for them or not. They are just dogs. But Sadie glorified God because she did what she was made to do. I want to bring glory to my Heavenly Father because I did what He made me to do.

Here are some pictures (big surprise!). Last year on Mother's Day the kids and I posed for a picture and Sadie came a posed too! It was so funny! We teased that she was the fur-child. And we have teasingly said that we made all our parenting mistakes on her! Ha! I wish that were true!

Did I mention she liked to nap with anyone anywhere? Here she and the kids are cuddled up in the tent--all asleep!

This is the last picture I took with her in it. She was just always in the background...and we miss her. Sweet Doll said, "Sadie was such a good dog." And she was. Thank You, God, for blessing us through Sweet Sadie.

One of those days...enjoy the moments

This is a "steal magnolias" post.

My day (yesterday) started with SweetTate walking into my room, wet from neck to toe! I striped him down, cleaned him up, and got a new diaper. Then I went to his room to change the sheets, but his bed was completely dry. How could he be that wet and his bed be totally dry? About that time SweetDoll said, "Eew!" as she leaned on Brother's bed--SweetTate had gotten on Brother's bed and it was all wet. So I started stripping the bed and cleaning the carpet. I went into my bathroom to get a rag for the carpet job and found SweetTate spraying bathroom cleaner all over the bathroom! Finally got ALL that cleaned up and got breakfast ready. Thankfully I had just put the lid back on the very full bottle of purple grape juice because SweetTate pushed it off the cabinet! Then SweetDoll proceded to spill the milk in her cereal. To which I responded in a loud, stern, frustrated mom voice, "Sit down, eat your breakfast, and stop goofin' off!" SweetDoll replied in a loud, stern, frustrated daughter voice, "Is that the way you talk to your daughter?"

We finally made it through breakfast. Mom called to tell me something that I checked out online (more on that in a minute). While I was on the computer, I heard sounds in the bathroom. I found SweetTate picking up a wad of toilet paper out of the potty, sqeezing it, and dropping it back in the potty. I really think he dropped it because I scared him when I yelled, "Gross! Gross! Gross!" (I'm praying it was clean water that he put clean paper in there!) Got that all cleaned up...again gross! Later I was holding him and kissed his forhead and his hair was wet. I thought Oh, I hope that was just sweat! And it wasn't even lunchtime yet!

Mom had called to see if I had heard the news about Steven Curtis Chapman's family. His baby daughter, Maria, who just turned 5 was killed in a car accident. Their story was so similar to our family's that I was just sad all day and cried several times. As I recounted my day to SweetHeart, I laughed about it. And then cried because I'm sure my Mom, as well as the Chapman family, would treasure another potty diving day, and I spent the day being frustrated with my kids.

Two songs come to mind. One is by 2Moms called "These Days"
(chorus)
These days are here, these days are now.
Help us treasure every day somehow.
Don't look back or up ahead, but live and love today.
These days are here, and then they're gone.
Help us be content they won't last long.
For we only have these days.

And Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella". The funeral is tomorrow. Please pray for the children who inspired this, the momma who loves them, and the daddy who penned these words...
She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me saying, "Dad I need you
There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, Daddy please"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

No matter if it is going to college, getting married, or going to heaven "all too soon the clock will strike midnight" so enjoy today with your kids, even if it is just over the phone. :)

I've been reading other's blogs about this. One just said "no words" can express my feelings. The Preacher's Wife had a very good post that blessed me. Lysa TerKeurst lost her sister also and put words to the "deep grief."

Not normal, but blessed!

This week just didn't go like a normal week around our house--and I was so blessed. A friend called last Sunday that her mother was not well at all and they flew her to the Big City hospital. It turned out that her mom had an anurism. A little background...my friend has CP--very intelligent, very loving young lady trapped in a body that just doesn't cooperate and is basically bedridden. Her mom is not only her care taker, but her best friend. My friend and I talk on the phone often, but we don't see each other that much. On Tuesday my friend called and said they had decided to take her mom off the respirator the next morning and asked if I could come be with her at home. I made arrangements to be there. Then she called and said the time was moved up; it would be that afternoon. I left my vacuuming half done, laundry on the floor, gathered my two little ones to take to Meme's, and headed out the door.

I had no idea what to expect. When I arrived there were mutual friends there already praying and loving her. She shared with us that the pastor called from the hospital, and he put his phone where her mom could hear. My friend talked to her and prayed for her. And the peace of God filled the room in a very real way that was noticeable. Their dogs had been nervous and active even calmed down. And a family member at the hospital texted to say that the mom's heart rate calmed while her daughter prayed. What a gift to a daughter who could not be there! There was a circle of friends and family members with my friend and a circle of friends and family members at the hospital. The body of Christ is amazing!

In that time we visited, laughed, cried, prayed. And my friend never once gave up hope that if God chose to, He could heal her mom. All the while knowing that if there was not healing on this earth, there would be in Heaven. I learned later, in the last moments, her dad embraced her mother close, praying in her ear. And the pastor said, "Look at her face. She is looking for you." And her eyes were open and she had a tear. Then she was gone. (The pastor asked a nurse if it was normal for people to open their eyes like that. She said it was very unusual.) I left her house feeling very blessed to be a part of the body of Christ and see Him at work. To know He was so compassionate and met a very real, personal need in a very real, personal way. To see His faithfulness to my friend and know that He always was, always is, always will be faithful and He knows me too.

Today at the funeral, my friend did get to be there. She had taped a message she wanted to share. It was so full of faith strength, peace, hope, and love that so clearly came from the Father. I told her that the pastors who spoke did a fine job, but it could have been over after her part! Grieving with hope--I have heard that, but never seen it so clearly. Yes, this is a terrible situation, but my God is good and He loves His kids and is with them through it all.

No, my week didn't go like normal--but I have been blessed because I've been with God and His children and I know it! Glory to God!

Remembering Shanna

November 29th, the Monday after Thanksgiving 25 years ago. For some reason, this year I didn't want this day to be a big deal. I acknowledged the day my sister died with my mom, but I didn't want to be emotional about it. When a tragedy happens in your life, it affects they way you react to situations, and yesterday was one of those times.

Let me preface the story with this year is a little more difficult for me because I was 7 when Shanna died, and she was 4. My oldest is 7, and my daughter is 4. I can't imagine trying to help a 7 year old cope with death. And I can't imagine loosing my 4 year old.

Yesterday, I made a minor decision that my SweetDoll did not agree with. To which she said, "I wish I didn't hava a mom or dad with stinky rules." Saying things like that just breaks my heart because I don't remember if I had a fight with Shanna the day before, or if I gave her a hug. And today I decided to talk with Heather about saying such things. So I sat her on the stool infront of me and looked her in the eye.

"SweetDoll, you really don't need to say things like that."

"Why?"

"Because if something really bad happened to momma, you would feel bad. And I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want you to get into a habit of talking to people like that."

"Why?"

"I'm going to tell you something and I might cry, but it is ok. I don't remember if I was mean to my sister or if I told her I loved her and then she died and went to live with Jesus. So we need to speak kind words to each other because we don't know what will happen tomorrow."

She knew about Shanna before, so that was not a bombshell for her. Then she asked to see a picture of her. We got out the picture album and looked at pictures. She called my brother, Sweet Boy. "No, that is Uncle J!" Then she asked to see a picture of Shanna when she was big like me. I told her that there weren't any because she died when she was four. She looked at me with that understanding look--that is how old I am. Then she asked if it made me sad to think about Shanna. I told her it did a little, but that is ok. Then she said something very sweet. "Momma, when I get big, I'll be your sister." In many ways, I look forward to the time when we can do things as friends.

Needless to say, I didn't make it through this week without all the emotions! I'm sorry to share the tears, but thanks for letting me remember my sister. The next post will make you laugh. I promise!